Happy 2013!!!
If your like me, then you have read or will read every 2013 horoscope you can get your hands on. I love astrology & I have many books on the subject. But they pretty much all say the same thing, honestly. A few years ago, I bought this book named "Nasty Astrology" and the back cover simply states: "Aren't you bored with astrology always telling you how nice people are? This book tells the truth". I was sold! Lol. It is a humorous book so please don't take anything to heart. These are just some excerpts from the sexual personalities section. The author of the book, Richard MacDonald, has included, business, love, & personality as well as the aforementioned sexual traits of all the zodiac signs. He gives it to you raw & I'm here to share!
Aries: Morals of a mongoose? Ha! The mongoose society would have them thrown out for lack of morals. They would sleep with anything that moves, given half a chance. They think fidelity is not thinking of someone else while they’re with you. The kinkier it is the more likely you are to find Aries there with their noses in the trough (dirty little piggy’s). If it involves leather, whips, pain, humiliation and degradation- it’ll be too tame for them.
They are always dreaming of threesome sessions, but both of their sex partners would have to be in love with them, and not with each other. The Aries couldn’t stand that. They also like the idea of sex in public-but only the idea; they are actually quite prudish and wouldn’t even let you kiss them in open. For all their talk of kinky sex, they are very conventional in bed.
They like the idea of lots of regular sex but if they get it they get bored, so keep them guessing, keep them wanting more, keep them at arm’s length if you ask me. They think they’ve got unbelievably high libidos but they cool quickly if they get too much love. They are passionately jealous and make dangerous love rivals-they’ll play dirty to get exactly what they want, so watch out. They think they look good in the nude. They don’t.
Taurus: They do like to plot a seduction & will ponderously go about it. But finesse, charm, grace? No, these are not words they will be familiar with. Exaggerated, theatrical, overexcited, now that’s more like it. Think bulls rutting. Think cows being mounted. Think bovine. Think big. Think ungainly. Think all over in a second.
They don’t like to be thwarted in their love interest and will pursue somebody long after they’ve been given a clear message to back off. They don’t take hints so you will have to give them the brush-off with real brushes, or boots. They are immune to subtlety so you will have to spell it out to them in simple words: “Go away, I don’t want to sleep with you, you are repugnant.” There, that should do it, hopefully, but it might be a bit too understated for them.
Their sexual preferences tend towards the natural, the basic, the lusty, and the rude. They don’t like kinky sex- they are afraid it might cost them too much. They like quick, no nonsense sex, to be got over with as quickly as possible so that they can have a cream tea.
They don’t like to change partners too often, as breaking in a new lover takes too much time, too much money, too much effort. They are so lazy that they would stick with someone pretty well no matter what, rather than have to go looking for a new lover.
Gemini: Think prude. Think old fashioned. Think holding hands. It’s all a bit boring, a bit sad, and a bit wet. They can lose lovers through their lack of attention to the body parts. They like to think they’re faithful, and according to their own curious code of conduct they are. God help their partner if they stray. All hell would break loose around them. No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing. But that’s as far as it goes. They rant and shout but they aren’t violent. They’re too scared.
Cancer: Now you’d expect them to be prudish, cautious, sensitive, delicate, discreet, and straight-laced. No way. They are dirty little things. They keep their desires pretty quiet until they’ve hooked you and then they’ll go berserk and expect you to perform all types of bizarre and down-right deviant acts of sexual depravity.
They like to make love in chalets by the river, country house hotels, and exotic hideaways. Once there, they will be busy taking notes on the décor while you’re busy trying to satisfy their insatiable needs.
Once the first flushes of lust have worn off for them they’ll switch all their attention to gardening and leave you alone completely. Or they’ll take up some bizarre sport such as tennis and insist you play as well instead of having sex. Completely bizarre, but that’s a cancer for you.
Cancer and sex is all a matter of extremes- extreme lust or extreme tennis. And you’ll never know which so don’t be getting any ideas, you’ll be wrong.
Leo: They can be tigers or pussy cats, indifferent or over-demanding, turned off or turned on- you don’t get any in-betweens with them. They are either ripping your clothes off or leaving them well alone. They either want sex ten times a night or not at all.
They’ll pounce on you when they’re in the mood and get incredibly angry with you if you do the same. Best wait until you’re asked. They like to think they are raunchy, daring, slightly dirty sorts of lovers. Truth is they are tame, boring and un-adventurous.
Their idea of a good night of sex is you worshipping them, looking after their needs, servicing them, and performing for them. Notice anything missing there? Good, because they won’t have.
Virgo: If you like going to bed surrounded by teddy bears and stuffed animals you’ll do fine. If you like quick clean sex you’ll be fine. If you like anything out of the ordinary, sexy, adventurous, or fun, then you’re going to be very unhappy I’m afraid. Sex for the Virgo is a bit like going swimming. It’s all cold and clean and a bit wet. You’ll need a good rub down and shower afterwards and it’s also healthy, so unbelievably healthy. And no, you can’t lie there afterwards having a cigarette- heaven forbid.
And boy do they like routine. Touch here first, do this next, follow up with this. Each and every time. You’ll get no surprises here. You’ll stick to the script or they’ll sulk- boy are they good at that. They don’t like spontaneous sex either. You’ll do it at the right and proper time, once a week, in the right temperature controlled circumstances, no out of door sex for the Virgo, or being cold or sweaty or taken by sudden passion. They have lots of inhibitions.
Oh yes, you’d better be good at it. They can be very picky lovers. Make sure you wash first, lots of nice smells- they don’t really like bodies so be clean and hygienic. Keep your bedroom spotless and make sure there’s lots of tissues, they like tissues. They don’t like to eat in bed, too many crumbs.
Libra: Lustful creatures disgusting little beast. They think with their groins. They believe copulation is the answer to all of life’s problems. In fact, the only problem they are prepared to consider is where their next sexual encounter is coming from- that’s the limit of their intellectual and reasoning powers.
They like dark bedrooms lit with candles and lots of satin furnishings- everything has to be totally decadent, totally over-the-top, and totally overblown. They like to have sex with lots of mirrors around- this isn’t for your benefit. They also like to play tacky classical music because they think it makes them seem intellectual.
Mind you, in bed they are pretty good- they’ll tell you just how good they are if you ask. In fact, even if you don’t ask, they will tell you. If they want to seduce you they will turn on all their charm- which, to be fair is considerable- but this only lasts until you take your clothes off. Then they lose interest. You will be dismissed as yesterday’s toy. They will use and abuse you and then cast you aside as soon as the novelty has worn off- about five minutes after they have finished. They love waving goodbye to ex-lovers.
Scorpio: Dark, dangerous, mad, and sadistic, I once knew someone who wanted to sleep with a Scorpio and they asked me what sort of gift they should give them to make a good impression. I suggested a silk scarf. They duly bought one and it worked; the Scorpio tied them up and had their wicked way with them. And left them tied up! Now that’s really nasty. If you are going to sleep with a Scorpio make sure you are fit and have endurance and stamina. They have super-human strength and will like to make love for very long periods of time. They like doing it in public places, like cinemas. They would do it in the street if they thought it would make them more alluring.
As for what goes in a Scorpio bedroom I don’t want to know. You go there but don’t tell me. They do make jealous lovers though, so don’t be unfaithful to them. If anyone is going to be unfaithful it will be them. They are even unfaithful to the ones they are being unfaithful with. If you do betray them- or they think you have- they will seek revenge. You will pay for it, and pay in blood & pain.
Sagittarius: They relate to beds as places to sleep. Because they like to lie in bed all day if they can get away with it, the idea of using a warm and comfortable hideaway for sex is slightly repugnant to them. Why waste all that effort when you could be using that time to sleep some more?
Once you get them into bed they are simply hopeless lovers. They value speed over everything, including experience, flare, prowess, technique, and a loving touch.
If you got one alone on an exotic beach complete with sunshine, warmth, and indolence you might get them to show interest- but I doubt it. They’re more likely to be dreaming of even more exotic places- and running away again.
Capricorn: The one area in which the Capricorn lets their hair down is in the bedroom. They do like their sex. In fact they can be a bit like the proverbial pig at a trough. These are very private people who don’t like being asked what they are thinking or what they are feeling, but take their clothes off and they lose all inhibitions. They won’t take their own clothes off, they don’t initiate anything- so you’ll have to set the ball rolling. Once you do they’ll surprise you with their stamina- and exhaust you with their energy. They don’t have a great deal of finesse but by golly they have staying power.
If you like being wooed, flirted with, seduced, romanced and teased, better find another playmate; Capricorn are direct and blunt.
They do like one lover at a time and preferably along term one. No one night stands for them. They are faithful to the point of boring, they don’t even commit adultery in their heads. When it comes down to it, all a Capricorn wants to do is play good old fashioned missionaries.
Aquarius: You’d better get used to being examined, researched and dissected. Spontaneous? Yes. Exciting? Yes, sometimes. Educational? Always- you might end up having sex on a trampoline or in a reference library or in a dancing school- all those places you wouldn’t normally associate with being sexy will be explored with an Aquarius as a lover.
They think everything from falling in love, to sex to work, can be collated, programmed, pre-set, pin-holed and encoded in a computer printout. They firmly believe that if you break things down into their smallest part you will understand them. Of course, an Aquarius will never understand the bits marked “feelings” or “emotions”. The good thing about them is that they tend to remain faithful. They may be aloof and detached but when it comes to love this does not translate into straying or flirting (they wouldn’t know how) or having one night stands (they will all do this once just to see what it is like- more research you see)
Pisces: Pisceans don’t need sex, they need power. They like getting you naked so you’ll feel vulnerable and they feel in control. The sad thing is, they do tend to be able to get more people naked than any other sign. They’ll use whatever tactics it takes- offering a massage, aromatherapy, artistic photos- you name it. They may even offer to work out your astrology chart for you- you would of course have to be naked for them to do this.
They think themselves quite the sexpert and have studied tantric sex in some depth. Truth is they are a bit quick. Don’t for heaven’s sake mention it; they have terribly frail egos and can’t take any criticism at all. If you want to escape from their bizarre power games all you have to do is laugh at their private parts.
They do like to be secretive in their sexual relationships, expecting you to reveal all your fantasies, past lovers, sexual preferences, while they nod wisely and give absolutely nothing away about themselves. Their whole motivating force is power- they think that if they give nothing away you won’t have any power over them. They can also be a bit lax in their personal habits- they can’t be trusted to own a bar of soap- which makes going to bed with a Pisces a bit of a gamble. They may have showered, but then again, they may not have.
